When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
looks legit
How I’d get arrested…
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.