@Cheeseboy22

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@AngieMaxwell1

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

@3sunzzz

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

@HatfieldAnne

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@shutupmikeginn

Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall