When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.