her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
wtf is a larm clock?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Anyone want a chair?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time