When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.