Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.