So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
I asked her if she thought I was weird
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.