When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?


John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own


[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not


Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?


My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.


Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet


I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.


[on phone with mom]
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up