buying dead houseplants to save time
You Might Also Like
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.