when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Fight
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken