when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore