DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume