When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
🤣🤣🤣
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic