When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”