@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

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@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@Senor_LongDong

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

@KimmyMonte

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

@chuuew

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.