When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m sorry…what?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?