Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs