when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
i love modern commerce