Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah