when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
work smarter, not harder
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose