When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
You Might Also Like
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.