When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.


Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.


Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me


Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that


Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.


You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.


Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.


Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.


Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.


[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity