When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
This why you should mind your business
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.