@caseytduncan

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

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@krishna_van

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

@GaryJanetti

Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!

@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@writeden

Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?