Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?