When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Hmm, not sure about this change
good let them take over I have had enough
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Message from the dog groomers
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬