imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: Be back after lunch!
Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*
*goes home, turns on baseball*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.