When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you鈥檙e making a scene
Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If a woman is in Lowe鈥檚 buying a plunger, she doesn鈥檛 want to be hit on. She鈥檚 dealing with enough shit already.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It鈥檚 like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box