When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.