@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

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@kwirkyKerri

I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.

@joejwest

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

@shehasfreckles

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

@ArfMeasures

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.