When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.