@Eightinchgoat

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”

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@Jenn_H_Scott

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

@ShanaRose21

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@MattTheBrand

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

@pilau

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

@elfy_scott

This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.