My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Hitler was the worst camp counselor ever.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.