A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
my professor scared me for a second
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
i love modern commerce
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.