and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You Might Also Like
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on