When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …


“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*


I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.


GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf


Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.


PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?


No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.


[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too