Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.
This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too