When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
23. the denim jacket
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time