When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?


Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know


What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller


me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty


I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it


I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.