@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

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@PFTompkins

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

@KML658

Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know

@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

@Love_bug1016

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.