I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: Treat yo self
My Bank Account: DO NOT TREAT YO SELF
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.