@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

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@Mendozaaa_j

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

@TheMichaelRock

Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.

@TheDairylandDon

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

@TheKenyan_

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

@frickashley

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@SondraDeeMe

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.