Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?
me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?
husband: Well for starters, I’m David.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My ideal woman:
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af