When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

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[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? Youโ€™re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change


My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.


husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.


Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.


Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage


If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.


What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario


My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af