Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
58.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona