when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know