when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.