When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Denise please return my vape pen
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.