When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”