I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You Might Also Like
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?
“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”
Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.
Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.