When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

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I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’


Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?


“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?


If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?


*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*


“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind


[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.


If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.


Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?


If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.