@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

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@BeTheCookie

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@AnniemuMary

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

@McNarstle

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

@wickedsuga

You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@AndrewNadeau0

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.