When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft


[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”


Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”


Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.


I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.


You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.