When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie