@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

You Might Also Like

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

@abbycohenwl

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@LoveNLunchmeat

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.