When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.


ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER


Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine


“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift


my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO


BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward


Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.