When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.

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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.


India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.


There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.


The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am


For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.


Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.


Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.


“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.


I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.


22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders