Pretty sure he’s a ferret
When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.
Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn
Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.
We’ve come to an open air screening of Cats and…no one else is here
ME: I’d love to see u again
DATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Will is weary of fame
Will runs away to the woods
Will dons a loincloth
Will eats bugs & berries
Will befriends a bear
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.