I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Netflix: We have Less
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”