@wickedsuga

When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.

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@JaneBadall

Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.

@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

@anerdonfire2

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

@daddydoubts

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@joeljeffrey

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.