@wickedsuga

When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.

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@RickAaron

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@KenJennings

There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.

@jctwritesstuff

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

@roxiqt

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

@UncleDuke1969

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

@d_duhwit

Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
Me:”What?
n:”What

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@patrickhogan91

22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders