When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up