@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

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@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@jonnysun

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

@ParasiteHilton

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

@FeralCrone

I thought I’d lost my sense of taste for a few awful, spiraling minutes but it turns out I just accidentally put unsalted butter on my toast. My heart rate should return to normal maybe next year.

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@SamuelHLowe

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”