@MissGambinoGirl

When I give my crush my number

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@TheBoydP

[Newlywed Game]

Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal

Me: *flips card* Owl

Wife: Who?

Me: You

Wife: Who?

*Bob and I high five*

@WheelTod

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@thesulk

Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

@kumailn

Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.

@good_one_rick

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this