Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.