When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
And they lived apathetically ever after.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u