date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.