When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat


If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?


You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.


Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.


Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.


Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.


DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David


cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it