@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

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@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

@robfee

If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?

@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

@realHamOnWry

Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@captainkalvis

cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it