When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes

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kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”


me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]


Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.

Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.


Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.


[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.


[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”


Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?


Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.


I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.