kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)
Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.
Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?
Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.
Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.
I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.