I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*cough*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
U talkin 2 me?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him