@JayThawne

When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes

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@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@KeetPotato

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@envydatropic

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside