When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes

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Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.


My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.


date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”


“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou


You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside