@JayThawne

When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes

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@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

@peeznuts

Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.

Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.

@deedragonhunter

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

@david8hughes

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

@TheDweck

Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.

@hero_ofthenight

I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.