when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Not all heroes wear capes…
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess