When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…