Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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You just HAD to let snakes and spiders on the Ark, didn’t you Noah? Way to go, man. Way. To. Go.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”