@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

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@Kimgee8

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

@echoVista

You just HAD to let snakes and spiders on the Ark, didn’t you Noah? Way to go, man. Way. To. Go.

@daemonic3

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos


727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

@CubanaMama82

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

@matt___nelson

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

@mrjohndarby

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”