When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You Might Also Like
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
So Hamburger help me, God
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her