I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Bro what is this
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.