My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
how it started vs how it ended
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!