@samuelhlowe

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.

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@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@junejuly12

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@rzarosco

Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…

@tvandjam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

@fishbowel

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

@jonnysun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

@animaldrumss

No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.

@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again