Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again