@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

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@thepaulahunt

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

@itsnashflynn

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

@Bollingmargaret

3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Me: “OOOHHH…Moana!”

@MavenofHonor

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

@RickAaron

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@prufrockluvsong

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@rockymomax

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out