“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Art by Pastelkatto
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.