[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out